Anyone still here? Honestly, I kind of hope not. Five years later... summer 2026 which is exactly 24 years following the summer I was planning my wedding, I'm unexpectedly planning to be a single mother after Amos dropped divorce into my lap.
You see, he's ready for a change. Out with the old and in with, he hopes a young widow he's been eyeing at church. He wants to be a father to her small children. Forget our 16 and 12 year old sons who have complex medical needs. That would be too much commitment.
Definitely forget the wife of your youth because she couldn't find the strength to share any intimacy with you after years of your sexual addiction and cheating with prostitutes. I did offer forgiveness, but I made the deadly mistake of asking for change in return. I've been called unloving along with a lot of other names. This grief I feel is nothing I've ever felt before, gnawing, raw, and relentless. I'm trying to figure out why every decade or so, I'm handed a shovel to dig another invisible grave in which to throw another one of my dead dreams.
He's moved out which is just the physical manifestation of him leaving all those years ago when I suffered depression. He likes to tell the kids I choose depression. He likes to tell himself and others a lot of reasons that he strayed, all of them my fault. The crazy thing is that for twenty four years I have been thinking "this will be the year." This will be the year things get better. This will be the year we get along better. You never arrive at that hoped for place of unity when you start completely wrong.
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